Listen, man, I get it: taking your shirt off is liberating. It's like unsheathing a sword—except the sword is your naked torso. And when you've been sharpening that sword with a whetstone—aka: the lat pulldown machine—you want to unshackle it from the dark basement that is the underside of the deep-v sweaters you've kept yourself swaddled in throughout winter hibernation. You've been working on that bod all through the snowy months in preparation for the spring shed. I know, bro. I know. And look, if you want to do it in the confines of your own living room, annihilating another early AM Peloton sesh, by all means: go nuts.

But if you're in public? Well, now you've got decency to consider. Maybe think about it like this: each human is a unique, individually wrapped Christmas present. Now, a really great gift knows it's a great gift and is happy remaining wrapped, clandestinely confident, perfectly content that when the right recipient comes along, ready to receive the gift that is you, they will unwrap you and discover all of the "Wow!" features that come with (Obliques! Delts! D'Angelo bones!). But a Christmas gift that is so thirsty it unwraps itself and screams, "Yo, look at all my sweet new features!" Well, that's a shitty gift. Nobody wants that gift. That's the type of gift that doesn't get regular STD tests.

Of course, it's not always so black and white. There are times to expose yourself to the elements in the name of comfort, convenience, or performance. And in 2017, when, if you can dream it as a form of exercise you can overpay to partake in, it probably already is a form of exercise that you can overpay to partake in, it's hard to know where you should keep the nipples hidden and where you can let them roam free like cows in a pasture. We're here to help.

So: Can I remove my shirt at...

...the gym?If we're talking like a public gym? No. Nope. No way. I have not actually met or seen anyone who thinks that this is okay, and so it's probably a moot point... but this guy did it, and he quickly became the clown in a viral video. (Worth noting: the legend in the back kept his shirt on and became the hero in a viral video.) So let's just reiterate here for posterity's sake: if you go sans-blouse at the gym, you're like a guy smoking inside a subway car. Is your secondhand smoke going to kill anyone? No. But why the fuck would you smoke in a subway car, you buffoon?

*

*A quick note on cut-offs: we aren't in the business of body shaming. If you don't want sleeves, lose 'em, no matter your build. We are, however, in the business of barbed-wire-tattoo-shaming. So keep that in mind.

...a fitness class (Barry's Bootcamp/Orange Theory/BootyBarre/Etc)?Feels like a no. But, if you're waffling, consider the upside and the downside. Upside: you get to take your shirt off. Downside: you just paid upwards of $30 to sweat with strangers and then got kicked out halfway through because you wanted to take your shirt off, losing at least $15, with which you could've bought most of a green juice.

...a spin class (SoulCycle/Flywheel)?A quick call to a SoulCycle here in New York—and a brief wait for the manager—revealed that SoulCycle has a no nipple policy. "You'll be asked not to come back," I was told. Flywheel, however, is welcome territory for Tarzan. "Yes, you can [take your shirt off], and no one will mind. To make it even better, you can choose the back row." So if you want to go top-half-nude, go for Flywheel. Or be Bradley Cooper, who showed up to a studio in TriBeCa (worth noting: the very studio I called) and caused a "rukus":

“He was trying to be incognito and wore a long-sleeved shirt for most of the ride,” an onlooker tells us. However, Cooper ripped off his shirt near the end of class, causing a ruckus among the mostly female riders. “Girls were literally falling off their bikes,” said our source.

If you're mid-uphill climb, Kygo blasting in a dimly lit room, trying to be incognito right up until the moment you just can't anymore and need to rip your shirt off and scream, "I AM BRADLEY COOPER AND I AM MAN!", ask yourself: Will the appearance of my torso cause women to fall off the bikes they're clipped into? (Another way of asking this: Am I Ronaldo? Or am I the Madeira airport statue version of Ronaldo?) If the answer is no, leave it on. If the answer is yes, still leave it on. Don't cause a rukus.

...hot yoga?Dear God, yes. By all means. It's like a thousand degrees in there. Trying to catch your breath in a hot yoga class is like trying to catch your breath with a hot washcloth taped over your mouth, while vaping Eucalyptus-flavored tobacco. The only chance of aligning your chi is to get as naked as possible without violating any common decency laws.

...running outside?Sure! But if it's less than 50 degrees Fahrenheit and you're running less than 10 miles, consider whether you really need to take it off.

...playing basketball?This one has always been, historically, the most acceptable—and continues to be, assuming the court is either outside or otherwise in a physical space separate from the gym (if it's right in the middle, like a glass cage, ellipticals and treadmills gazing in, keep yourself covered). And yet there is a harsh reality to consider: if you play shirts-and-skins basketball, you are going to get posted up by a shirtless man. When you do, that man will either be extremely hairy or hairless as a baby. (There never seems to be a happy medium among pick-up ballers.) If it's the former, you're going to leave that low-block encounter feeling like you've rolled in a wet dog bed; if it's the latter, it'll be like getting an erotic massage from a slippery dolphin. Neither are pleasant. But it's a necessary evil to the one safe haven where ripping your shirt off doesn't make you seem like an overzealous thirst trap.

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All of that being said, just don't be the guy who, immediately after teams are set, yells, "Shirts and skins. We're skins!" That guy's too eager—and probably has a barbed wire tattoo.

Watch Now:A Shirtless Man Juggles a Soccer BallClay Skipper is a Staff Writer at GQ.XInstagram