Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Andy, 38, in Providence, Rhode Island. 

I think I first got the idea of what masturbating was…probably from Adam Sandler records. That’s a really specific time period. You know that Adam Sandler ridiculous voice he does? Like the grumpy one? And he says something like “watch me whack off.” And I think at sleepovers we talked about it. And a couple times someone would be like “look at this” and people would take their dicks out. Not masturbating in front of each other, but at age 11 or 12 being like, “It’s hard— look at this!” I would say all of this was in the silliest, most innocent environments. We found five Playboys or Penthouses in an attic I think. I actually had two friends who had older half brothers in their 20s when we were 12, so they’d just be like living in the basement, and they’d have that stuff.

It’s such a long jump of awkwardness from holding hands and making out to sophomore year in college. It was just one long stretch of being really awkward and not able to take any initiative. Then sophomore year of college I lost my virginity. It was somebody who liked me and knew that I wasn't going to be assertive at all, who was like “Ok I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna just take control of the situation.” And it was… fine. It wasn’t particularly romantic; it certainly wasn’t good in any way you’d recognize in adulthood. But God if that hadn’t happened, it would have been a long time before I figured out how to take a more active role in dating. I think she and I probably slept together three or four times.

I don’t have a lot of issues with alcohol, but I didn’t have sex sober until I was like 25. So it was just all kind of… not passive, but, not the complete experience until much later. Then at 25 I started seeing somebody I actually really liked and I was very comfortable with them. I would say it was honest and collaborative for the first time; in the past it was almost performative. Like, I’m gonna be good at sex for somebody, and I should look good while I’m doing it and last a long time. Instead of talking openly about what we enjoyed. That person is still somebody that’s in my life now, and I think was sort of the first adult relationship I had in all manners.

After that relationship, I dated a few people for six months or so, and I dated somebody for two and half years. That was the first time I lived with somebody else; we thought it might be a long-term future thing, but it didn’t work out for any number of reasons. I bounced around geographically for a while after that and then four years ago I moved home. I found a spot that I like and I’ve been here since. I’ve dated two people but it was in that more domesticated relationship that I realized I was probably going to be solo poly. [Broadly speaking, solo poly refers to when someone is single, but still might maintain multiple intimate relationships]

Solo poly for me is… well, it's not this, “me and you against the world,” couple-dom. It's more a case of like, I have a number of people in my life all of whom are trying to build really full lives with one or more partners in them, but they put themselves first.

I have a partner that I've been seeing for about 15 months now. We probably see each other two or three times a week. She wants children and I don't, and she's found somebody in the last couple months who she's really enjoying seeing who really wants kids. I think they have a real shot at making that happen. So like she wouldn’t be a primary, and also I’m not really a kitchen table guy. I’m not interested in a throuple—I’m not interested in all the complications that go with that.

If I have a kink, it’s definitely group sex. Some of the hottest sex I’ve had was a party that turned into that. It was a group of eight people, and we knew this was something that might happen. It played out in a somewhat naturalistic way. Like four of the people had slept together before and I’d slept with two of the other people before. We were kind of getting together to see if it would happen. And it happened. So it was planned, but it certainly had improvisational aspects to it. I hadn't done that before. Since I have pursued group sex more specifically.

After you’ve come during group sex— well, so my refractory period might be solid, but it’s not immediate. So like you can either go grab water or there’s always snacks. It’s like a potluck in the kitchen and then group sex in the parlor. The first one I went to was interesting because it was in a finished basement like you’d have in the Midwest, except instead of like Chicago Bears stuff, it was really high end air mattresses and sheets. But the host had, like, immediate recovery. You would just hear him come and then he’d be like going down on somebody and then a few minutes later they’d be having sex again. So I don’t think anyone was really lying around on their own until much, much later in the evening.

I went home with someone and her very adorable Labrador was really barky. And she wouldn’t put him out of the room—she felt like it was unkind. So he was just in there, and he was like up on his hind legs on the bed, just upset that this was happening. And I was like, yeah I’m pretty upset this is happening, too. She didn’t think it was an odd situation. Another time, I had someone get out of bed and immediately hop in the shower. I was like, “Are you ok?” And she was like, “Yeah, I just don’t like any fluids on me at all.” Like no sweat, nothing. And I was like, well that’s probably not going to work out; this was the first time and it was pretty standard and like it should get more exciting and interesting and weird as we go.

I was surprised by how much I like being watched. In the pandemic, I’d be connecting with somebody and knowing we might not meet for who knows how long, so I was having a lot of FaceTime sex. It started as a thing to do because we were locked in our houses, and it’s no longer that. It’s something I enjoy doing. I travel a lot for work, so if I’m in a hotel room and somebody’s at home and normally we’d be having sex, we will often opt for FaceTime. It’s also really fun with somebody new; it gets to the exhibitionist side of it. Like they haven’t seen you get out of the shower a million times, it feels like a novel thing.

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