The nice thing about beer is that we have a lot of it! We have it in a rainbow variety of flavors and colors and prices and bitternesses. We have dark beer and fruit beer and shandy beer and whatever Coors is. You can pay $12 for it if it involves the word "craft" or you can buy a case for $6 if you're in the right part of upstate New York. If you don't like beer, there are some other alcohols too. Basically you have tons of options if you need to 1. forget her 2. steal that golf cart or 3. enjoy this Killers concert.

All of which is why we're bravely coming out against about alcoholic root beer. This is not a thing we need. First, if we learned anything from "Ebony and Ivory," it's that two ingredients that are fully awesome independently can be mixed together and still suck. But more importantly, root beer was born in childhood and should be left in childhood. Come on, unless you're a sixth-grader or currently on roller skates, when was the last time you ordered one? Root beer is for Little League walk-off home run celebrations and catching fireflies. It's for Snoopy cartoons. It's for floats.

Alcoholic root beer like suddenly having alcoholic Big League Chew or alcoholic baseball cards or alcoholic cupcakes, and I know what you're thinking — yeah, actually people are already doing alcoholic cupcakes. You're right, that was a poor example. But someone took black licorice and made Jagermeister out of it, and what happened? A bunch of people slept in parking lots and stole historical items from bars and woke up with construction equipment exploding in their brains. Nothing good, is what I'm saying.

In short, you can get drunk without alcoholic root beer. We have plenty of regular beer, and innocent childhood memories are precious. Let us keep grown-up things and kid things separated, as they should be. Except for Jell-O Shots. Those are grandfathered in.

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