There is no universal experience of sobriety, but when GQ spoke with a range of people who have given up drugs and alcohol, there was unanimous consensus that it changed their relationship to sex. “Pretty much everything changed when I got sober, and sex was no different,” said Andrew, a 38-year-old from Columbus, OH, who has been sober for over two years (and who, like others in this story, asked to only be identified by his first name). Everyone we spoke with about sex post-sobriety, expressed this idea in one way or another. They all also talked about how intimacy generally improved after getting sober—but also emphasized how difficult it was to adjust to having sex without drugs or alcohol.

Across the board, they agreed that, despite the difficulty, sex was better in many ways—that it was one of the many improvements to their lives that made sobriety worth it.

One woman, Liz, 43, from Des Moines, IA, who has been sober for over a year, described “the amount of pleasure that I have experienced! I didn't know my body was capable of this,” she said. Rob, 32, from Bethesda, MD, who has been sober for 8 years, agreed: “There are no aspects of my life post-sobriety—including, and in some ways especially, romantically and sexually—that are not markedly better.”

Every person we spoke with mentioned sober sex feeling like it was an entirely new skill they had to learn.

“Before I got clean, sex had a clear purpose: It filled a void. Like the drugs. And like the drugs I sort of chased it, but once I got clean, I didn't know really where to ‘put’ sex. You know, and that's sort of been my growth with sex.”—Keith, 41, Columbus, OH. Nine years sober.

“In a way, it kind of felt like losing my virginity again. Everything about getting sober is hard at first. It is relearning how to live life from the ground up, and that applies to sex the same way it applies to being in a relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic. Just being in the world is unfamiliar in most ways, and that can be scary at first; it can be intimidating at first. It can often not go that well at first. But, if you are honest and patient and willing to put in the work, for me personally, it has always been worth it. And it has always been better.” —Rob

“I'm not the same person that I was a year ago. I'm not just sober, I'm working a recovery program. So I have substantially changed over the course of the past year. I don't like the same thing sexually that I used to like. I don't want the same things that I used to want. All of this is very foreign and confusing for my partner.” —Liz

“Now when people aren't performing, I communicate with them, like ‘Hey, this isn't really working.’ Some people still don’t get it. But when I was not sober, I was like, ‘It's fine, they’ll figure it out. I'm having a great time.’” —Maria, 35, Toronto, ON. Five years sober.

The word that came up the most often was probably “present.” Each person spoke about feeling like they were much more fully aware during sex, but they also mentioned the occasional downsides of that.

“I think the biggest thing for me is that I'm more present. Present in the situation, just more aware than I ever was before. When you're drinking, especially like I was where it was every night, you’re kind of a shell of a person. And that includes even when you're having sex. You're not there. When you're sober, you're present. You're there. You're more aware, more receptive, more in tune with everything.” —Andrew

“What I found immediately, was that [sex] was both better and worse because I was more present. When I was sober, I was like, ‘This is something I'm doing. I'm choosing to do this. It will be great.’ But then I was like, ‘Oh, now that I'm totally sober and totally present, some of this is bad.’” —Maria

“I'm 43, this is ridiculous, but for the first time I'm telling the truth about what I want, about what I need, about what makes me feel good. It's really liberating, I think, for both of us. He's not guessing. I'm not faking. In that way, it's wonderful. When I can really be free and tell the truth 100%, my partner can really show up for that and be there. But it's also confusing as hell, because I'm still figuring out what I want and what feels good.” —Liz

“There were downsides to having sex when drinking; I was so numbed a lot of the time that sometimes it was hard to maintain an erection or hard to actually achieve orgasm. That changing when I got sober was actually kind of nice. I both felt more present and more physically sensitive and responsive, which was both fun, like, ‘I can actually feel things in a way I haven’t.’ But there were some concerns about premature ejaculation becoming an issue, whereas I’d had the opposite problem for a long time. So it was relearning sex and how to do it and feel comfortable with it.” —Rob

With that process of relearning and the ability to be present came new insecurities and fears, some of which did not leave even after years of sobriety.

“I'll be real with you: I was a bit scared of sex at the beginning. Sex was so entwined with using in my head when I was in rehab. The behavior and thinking were pretty similar when it came to drugs and sex, so when I got clean it was like: ‘drugs bad, stay away, change your people, your places, your things.’ Because sex was so intertwined with drugs as far as my past behavior, having sex again was something I was scared of. I honestly can remember lying in bed a couple of nights thinking ‘I'm not going to have sex for the rest of my life. I'll just buy sex toys.’” —Keith

“Initially, like everything when you first get sober, there's a lot of trepidation. You're just worried. You’re concerned about how everything's going to flow because you’ve never done that thing before except in relation to alcohol. You're kind of afraid of everything, to where you're just like: Do I know what I'm doing? What is this like? It’s a lot of weird feelings at first, but then all of a sudden, everything becomes really enjoyable because you're actually present through the whole thing and you remember everything and you're receptive. —Andrew

Despite those fears, a theme that came up again and again was the emotional changes around sex post-sobriety. For most, sex became much more connected and intimate.

“Sex has become more than just like the physical aspect. There are now all these new emotions that I'm identifying and letting myself feel and a lot of those emotions were around sex for the first time. So I mean, I think that I think there was now an emotional piece to sex as well that may not have been there before. —Keith

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“When I was drinking a lot of the sex even with long term partners was kind of businesslike and disconnected. I think the biggest change for me was actually appreciating the more emotionally connected elements of sex. I got more into foreplay and cuddling in ways that I hadn’t really before.” —Rob

“Sex was way more vulnerable, way more intimate. And in some ways it had more expectations of it. And I think because I was sober I was like, ‘oh, yeah, no, this is gonna be the best because now I can be here and be present.’ And some of the time it wasn't the best.” —Maria

“As much as it has its own landmines, I do think sober sex is more physically satisfying. At least for me. But the emotionally intimate aspects of it are what I think have made it better on the whole. I’m better able to listen, to communicate, to pay attention to what’s going on with the other person and what’s going on in my own body.” —Rob

“More recently, especially with my current partner—we've been together for a while—it’s much more vulnerable, much more present. There’s nerves now that weren't there. Just sometimes the thought of having to initiate it or the fear of rejection, anxieties I have like in other aspects of my life, now all of a sudden apply to sex. Even nine years clean, it can be frightening at times.” —Keith

For some people, the sexual desires and fantasies they had changed with sobriety. Others felt that while their desires may have stayed the same, they were finally able to be more honest about them.

“A lot of it is that I feel more free to fully feel the fantasies that I've always had. I let alcohol keep me safe in this little box for a really long time. And alcohol was the way that I kept from dealing with all of the things that I needed to deal with. And now I'm exploring fantasies about bisexuality, for example, and other fantasies I never felt I was free to feel except ultimately for the pleasure of my partner.” —Liz

“I don’t think my actual desires around sex changed as much as I became more comfortable and more confident in myself. So maybe I was more open about desires that were there already.” —Andrew

“I always had this fantasy about a girl riding me while I wore a strap on. And I thought this is gonna be the best now that I’m sober. And then it happened with a partner. I was so excited. I was like this is gonna be so good. And then it wasn’t. I don’t know if I’d just put her on a pedestal, or if I was just sober now. But I came up with it when I was drunk.” —Maria

“I don't know if fantasies changed, but I do feel like I got more comfortable asking for what I was interested in. Prior to getting sober—because sometimes even just the physical act of it was a little difficult because of my drinking—I did have the approach of like get in, try and take care of you, and if something works for me, great and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I didn’t really think that much about what I wanted. And after getting sober, I got a bit more comfortable expressing, ‘I would actually like it like this.’ Or ‘I’d like to try this.’ I think that level of honesty about desire made it a more connected experience on the whole.” —Rob

Across the board, everyone we spoke to was clear about the massive upsides to their sobriety, and how crucial it was to them, even when it was difficult to navigate. But they also frequently mentioned sex being a whole lot better.

In a way I feel like I'm 16 all over again. I’m fumbling around and like ‘How’s all this equipment work? What the hell is going on?’ It was easy to do what I was doing for a long, long time, but I was also miserable.” —Liz

“Not everything about my drinking years was bad. I had some fun. There was a reason that I drank as hard as I did as long as I did; I enjoyed a lot of it. But this is different, and it was hard at first, but it is unequivocally better for me.” —Rob

“Everything's a little scary at first, including sex, because you feel like you have to relearn things, but everything gets better because you're sober. So while it's scary initially, you'll get past it and you're going to be so much better for it.” —Andrew

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