In the time of #TimesUp and #MeToo, and as the culture of holding men accountable for their abuses of power strengthens, it’s becoming apparent that beyond a simple yes or no, people do not fully understand consent or know how to have an honest conversation around it. Which is why there’s a lot to learn from the adult film world, where performers are arguably the most adept at navigating sex’s social contract.

The adult industry has always been on forefront of technological innovation—porn helped pioneer everything from online payments to streaming video—and moving the needle on interpersonal communication during intercourse isn’t any different. While on set with adult film star and director, Janice Griffith, I witnessed the most rigorous discussion on consent I’ve ever seen. Everything from likes and dislikes to firmness of touch to how many fingers are allowed in which holes is openly addressed—and everyone agrees that, yes, sex will be happening. “Even if you are hiring an escort to have sex, you discuss what you’re going to do beforehand,” said Griffith. “Honestly, sex workers are on the forefront of this discussion.”

The conversation isn’t sterile, or a mood killer: Consent does not need to feel like a legally binding agreement between two vendors. It simply needs to be clear and thoughtful. We sat down with Griffith to discuss how those of us outside the industry can have healthy, proactive discussions about consent.

Step 1. Create an Environment That’s ComfortableIt's an ongoing conversation that you're going to be having a lot

Fostering healthy communication starts with being able to make it clear what you want from the situation. “Think about what you want to happen. Do you want future dates? Are you thinking about having sex? On that sort of spectrum it’s reasonable to ask people what they want, too,” Griffith said. Then shift the focus away from yourself. “If you are interested in this person, you should be taking hints about their behavior towards you, and their attitude from the very beginning of the interaction. Are they being friendly? Are they being flirty? Do you understand social cues? Some people don’t, and that’s okay, but know how to ask. I think a lot of people are scared to ask things.”

Keeping the conversation colloquial can help. “There are light, conversational ways to bring up plans or intentions early in the night. Asking what they’re up to later or what they want to do can get the conversation started,” said Griffith. Don’t stop there: Consent isn’t a one-time thing. It’s an ongoing exchange, like a series of checkpoints.

“The reason that I’m scared to say no or be disagreeable is directly correlated to how you’ve treated me throughout the course of knowing you,” said Griffith. “Even if it’s just one night, the way you speak to me forms my idea of how you’re going to respect my wishes.”

Watch Now:Important Dating Advice from Tiffany HaddishStep 2. Learn How to Take “No” as an AnswerIt doesn't meant they hate you!

Making sure a woman isn’t scared to say no is easy if you allow her to feel like you’ll accept her decisions. You need to reassure her that you won’t be peeved if her needs or wants differ from yours. Make it clear that if she doesn’t want to have sex, you’re cool with that—and then actually be cool with that. “Just because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you, doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested in you,” Griffith said. “It doesn’t mean they hate you. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It means that right then, they don’t want to have sex with you.”

Pay attention to physical signs and body language, too. “Important non-verbal cues include mouth involvement. If you kiss someone and if they aren’t kissing you back, if they are not actively engaged in your kiss, if they tense up and start to pull away, those should all be things to indicate, ‘Hey, let’s chill out, let’s take a minute and reassess.”

There’s a long history of violence against women from rejected men, so be aware that your partner may not be comfortable saying no outright. This is on you: If you are getting “I don’t knows” and “I’m not sures”, you need to make the decision to stop on your own. “I don’t know” does not equal yes. It means they do not know. Consent requires a yes, and “I don’t know” is not yes.

In that case, added Griffith, “I think it would be best to back off physically. Put some space between you and the person. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them how you could make them more comfortable and then express your desires or needs and how you can make them comfortable, too.”

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Don’t use a bargaining chip like blue balls to attempt to sway someone to engage in physical intimacy with you. It’s lazy and corny! A great way to find physical relief after you agreeably and graciously accept a “no”is to jerk off when you part ways.

“Your boner is not my problem,” Griffith lamented. Sex should not something that is done to women, it should be something women actively participate in.

Step 4. Don’t Judge Someone Else’s Sexual PreferencesDon't be that guy!

Judgmental men make discussions around intimacy, and consent in particular, very difficult. “‘Stuck up bitch’. ‘All girls are prudes.’ ‘Girls that want to have sex are whores.’ ‘You can’t rape a whore.’ ‘Girls that don’t want to have sex are prudes,’” said Griffith. “It creates a weird binary where it’s hard to sort of toe this line and exist as a healthy sexual being and have these conversations up front.”

While it may feel harmless, don’t neg as a form of flirting. It creates a toxic space for communication, which is a surefire way to get unclear answers on wants, desires, and consent. As Griffith laid it out: “Consent is about logic. It’s being careful based on what’s going on around you. If you can’t be concerned about how someone feels, think about going to jail. If that’s what motivates you not rape, I don’t respect you, but I’ll take it.”

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