As is true with everything I write, these words are intended solely for the consumption of Patriots quarterback and Mad King of Boston Tom Brady. Tom—hello! It’s me again. Have you heard of the pill that reduces sun damage? I think you would really love it because, as we know, you don't believe in sunscreen.

Let me rephrase that. On Halloween of last year, ESPN published an interview in which you contended that your large intake of electrolyte-enhanced water rendered you immune to sunburns, even after “adequate exposure.” Six years prior, your beloved, Gisele, referred to sunscreen as “poison” (later clarifying that she does use sunscreen but only natural ones—”poison” just refers to most of the sunscreens on the market). But I know that on the inside both of you know that SPF is unequivocally the most important part of your skin-care routine, and that this is all just a big misunderstanding. We have all come a long way since then. For example: Science has given us a sun-care pill, and I know, in my heart, you are dying to try it.

First, a lesson: When ultraviolet rays penetrate the skin, it's UVBs that char the surface and deliver a burn. UVA rays harpoon deeper beneath the dermis, into your fat reserves. All of this is bad. The worst-case scenario occurs when a skin cell, like a melanocyte, mutates and becomes cancerous—but UV rays also cause free-radical damage in the skin, which can lead to premature aging, sun spots, and immune-system damage. Free radicals are molecules that are missing an electron, and they pull that electron from other molecules in a chain reaction—this usually happens to oxygen with UV exposure, and the chain reaction occurs in the skin, which can lead to cellular damage. I know this is confusing—are you following me, Tom?

Antioxidants are the only things that protect against free radical damage, which is why a good antioxidant defense should be inextricable with your sun protection defense. This is where suncare pills come in: If antioxidant-rich blueberries help strengthen your body’s free radical defense, sun pills turn your skin into an impenetrable free radical fortress, nuking them on sight. The pill format, which is easily integrated into even your horrible and joyless diet (no offense), makes it so you’re protected daily (as opposed to only whenever you put on sunscreen, or eat a blueberry, or whatever) from the mutant oxygen molecules attempting to destroy your skin.

Suncare pills are predicated on fixing the damage you’re invariably doing to yourself every time you bask in the warm embrace of the sun. And because you don’t see the damage until it’s irreversible—the sunspots and wrinkles that appear later in life and cannot be smoothed away with cream—you just have to trust me and start popping pills now. Tons exist on the market—although some brands are getting slammed by the FDA for overstating their powers of prevention, my favorite is Heliocare, because dermatologists can’t stop talking about it, and the FDA loves it, and so will you, too.

The bad news is, um, you still have to wear sunscreen if you’re going to be directly in the sun. (And also if you’re going to be outside in general.) I know you hate to hear this, but it is true: Suncare pills don’t reflect or absorb UV rays in the same way sunblocks do. But there are so many more alternatives, Tom! Like covering yourself with fabric at all times, or carrying a parasol, or never leaving your house ever again, and never speaking publicly on matters of politics. Whatever you do, I support you.

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