But I won’t be going there this year for the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Party.

I’m 95% certain on this.

I say 95% because there is still a tiny portion of me that is hemming and hawing and thinking of just drastically shortening my trip and only staying in the city on Friday night. But then….$250 for a room for even just one night seems extravagant and silly right now. 5% of me still thinks that I’ll be missing out and be missed but I say this is all seriousness – I really won’t be. No, that’s not said out of self-pity or anything like that. Just realism. When I’m in a large group setting like the party, I tend to retreat into my shell like a turtle. My social anxieties come out and the wall-to-wall people makes me irritable and skittish. I’m not the social butterfly some might think that Lilly is. I don’t dominate the conversations, I wait on the edges until it’s okay to enter in. I defer to others. I’m kind of a model for the calendar this year, but not one of the big-name people. I’ve come to accept these things and I’m ok with not going. I kept inside all of the hurt feelings I experience last calendar party weekend, I only talked about the good stuff because…that’s what I do. I keep it inside. I put on a smile.

Also the thought of dropping money and frantically hunting for an outfit I don’t hate is not at all appealing to me. Next year, my choices will be broader and I’ll be in a better place financially, mentally, health-wise, and more. I and we have too much on our plates, and more wise/necessary places to put the money I’ve saved up, for me to justify going.

Another deciding factor against going is that a great number of the people I was looking forward to seeing in NY I will be seeing in April at MomentumCon in DC. Not everyone, true, but most. Hubman and Veronica graciously offered me their tour of NYC and I’m sure I can take them up on that at any time, party or not.

I’m sure that, while there might not be another calendar, there will always be some sort of NYC-based blogger event to go to in the coming year. And I already have a standing date with my friend to go and see his version of NY, next year sometime. I’d always asked him for recommendations on places to go, and now I’ll have him with me in person.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.

~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City (Season 4 finale)