I had high expectations for adulthood. I thought that by now I would have figured out how to breathe during yoga. I thought I’d be done with acne. I thought I’d be able to afford a house before age 78. I also believed that the men I dated would be setting the mood in creative, suave ways that would be well… sexy.

That simply has not happened.

Almost every time a guy has tried to initiate sex with me, it’s either been so awkward, uncomfortable, and crass that it feels like a scene written for Jonah Hill in a Seth Rogen movie, or way too subtle for it to even count—no, lightly rubbing my back as we fall asleep is not clear code for “let’s fuck.” (Not only that, but it’s so relaxing to have your back rubbed that I’m now too sleepy and comfortable to even consider sex.)

I do appreciate that men are trying, desperately, to not be too forceful or creepy about initiating sex. I also appreciate that in new or not-defined relationships it can be really difficult to know how to bring up wanting to bang. And I understand that the reasons that initiating sex has traditionally fallen to men are antiquated and mostly sexist. That being said, in many of my past relationships, guys have simply stopped initiating sex at all, and have left it to me. I know that’s not true for all men. Some men feel like they’re always trying—and often failing—to initiate sex with their partner. So here we go. I’m going to tell you how to start things up without making things weird.

Be a little obvious.

Don’t be afraid to be cheesy. Acknowledge the cheesy and lean into it. Light candles. Dim the lights. Rub her back. Buy scented oils. Send her a naughty text. Do whatever stuff you would do to impress a crush, and then do it for your partner. (Please don’t play guitar or sing though). These are universal indicators that you’re trying to bone. Your intentions couldn’t be more clear if you blasted “Let’s Get it On” 14 times in a row. Whatever effort you put in will be appreciated. No woman I know has ever complained that her partner put in too much effort.

Have fun.

If past rejection (or the inability to be sexy with a straight face) keeps you from being explicitly horny, try being funny-horny instead. Sex should be fun. You can joke and laugh and tickle-fight your way to sexy times. Try something new. Try something ridiculous. Send a funny-sexy photo instead of a sexy-sexy photo. Climb into bed wearing a dinosaur costume. Be creative in a way that will make your partner laugh, or snort, or roll their eyes at you. Laughter is sexy, so use that!

Be verbal.

This we hold to be true: Men are visual and women are auditory. I'm suspicious of the strictness of that dichotomy, but certainly most men I know lack the verbal finesse that women have. If you’re initiating sex, use your words. While physical contact is great foreplay, saying something sexy first and then starting to make moves can help set up what you’re about to do. Bringing up how sexy your partner looks, or even sexting her before you head over to her house, lets her know that you’re thinking of her in that way. You can be more upfront than you might think. I used to ask my partner “How horny are you on a scale from 1-10” just so I would know whether or not that would be a good night to try something. If you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, this is a good way to practice talking about sex. A point-blank “Will you have sex with me?” is probably too clinical, but you should be able to tell your partner that you’re horny for them.

Be brave.

It can be scary and vulnerable to put yourself out there repeatedly and admit that you’re horny. It’s even scary when you’ve been with your partner for months or years! If you get turned down a couple times in a row, you might start to feel like that rejection isn’t worth it. If that’s happened to you, talk to your partner about what things turn them on, and what time of day they’d most like to be approached about boom-boom times (sorry I called it that). Ask them if there's something you could do that would be hot to them, or tell them something you'd like. “Hey I’ve always thought it would be hot if you _______,” works well. Maybe they won’t be down for it, but just talking about it might be enough. Bravery pays off.

Be aware.

All of the advice above means nothing if you aren’t aware of the situation and your timing. Coming up behind your girlfriend and kissing her neck while you guys are doing dishes is hot; doing that when she’s cooking dinner and the pasta is almost done is just foolish (and possibly dangerous). Trying to initiate something when she’s reading a book for fun on a lazy Saturday morning? Perfect. Starting things up on a Sunday night before her big work presentation when she’s trying to go over her speech? Shitty. Simply being aware of when, how, and how often you introduce the idea of banging will make you both more comfortable. If you brush up against her every hour, trying to “subtly” get her to feel how ready you are for sex, she’s probably pretty sick and tired of turning you down. Go hang out in the shower and see what you can take care of, buddy.

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