It’s been months since I last bothered with Craigslist but when I did I had a lovely run-in with the sort of guy who, once spurned, turns his forked tongue from compliments to insults. Also given his Wal-mart Employee status and general unintelligence, it proved to be ultimately more funny than hurtful. In fact, I wasn’t bothered negatively by it at all. I find this sort of behavior really funny because I don’t think these men realize just how bad it makes them look.

And while it is entirely too easy to make fun of these sorts, like shooting fish in a barrel, it’s still amusing as hell.

I’ll admit to you that this comes from my profile on OkCupid. I originally (couple years ago) started up on this site to meet women. I’ve actually ended up meeting men, mostly. Some have worked out to varying degrees and still others were abject failures. I  used to like the site. It’s one of the few that are free, there’s a lot of people of many ages and tastes on there ranging from those looking for hook-ups to those looking for the next Mr/Ms Right. In the last year though I’ve gotten fed up with both the site and the offerings of men and women in my area (meaning, I think, that I need to fucking move). So I changed my status from “Available” to “Seeing Someone” (meaning, I’m not looking for anything other than friendship). My profile is, perhaps unlike others, very honest and open and wordy. I migrated from highlighting the sexy to highlighting my base personality including my quirks, my ADD and my sense of humor. When I changed my status though I removed all sexy/risque photos and left up only one of me from waist to face.When I first started my blog, I included the link to it. When I first did toy reviews, I also posted them to the “blog” on the site. But when I quickly realized that I wouldn’t want anybody who works for…um…..the place I work…. to find my profile and then my blog, I removed the link. I still mentioned it because it’s part of my base sexuality and I will give out the link, but I said that people have to ask for a link. I have ignored messages of local guys asking for it, or just creepy men. And again, I don’t have the time or energy or give-a-shitness to respond “no thanks” to every guy who messages me whom I don’t have any interest in.

So this guy. He’s in my area. He’s a little older than I would normally go for, he’s 40 but doesn’t look it – he is likely moderately attractive but doesn’t photograph all that well. While not repulsive, he’s just not my type either physically or what he’s looking for according to his profile. He’s looking for his Ms Right. He’s got a 14 year old daughter and he even had her write this (really cute) paragraph on his profile. If I were a single woman looking for a family type guy, that profile would attract my attention.

And then he messages me after I logged in after a 2-month hiatus. I log back in 2 days later and see a few emails. I read them, I clicked over to his profile, but wasn’t interested. I’ll let you read this all, start to finish. I changed only a part of his username. I’m not real keen on keeping his identity well concealed actually, but I’m not bitch enough to outright post the exact correct username.

And of course, all typos and such are left to original status.

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/08/2009 – 9:26pm

thought you had a really off the wall profile which is cool by me. i like different. if you want to send me a link to your blog, i would appreciate it. if not, thats fine also.

I believe it was the next morning, Saturday, around 8 or 9am, that I logged in, read it, glanced at his profile, and logged out.

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/09/2009 – 11:03am

i am definitely interested in your link. would love to see some pics and would send you some of me also.

Why do they all assume that I’m interested in collecting cock-shots? I’m not, not unsolicited ones and certainly not men I’m not already flirting with. Women, on the other hand, are encouraged to send unsolicited pics ;)

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/09/2009 – 5:56pm

can i ask why you don’t reply. you put that on your page and i thought you wanted people to check out your link. you are a very attractive woman and think pretty cool by reading your profile. i understand that you are seeing someone, but would still like to check out your link. what do i have to do? could you please reply. thanks.

Second email after I ignored him. At least this time he waited. Note as well that other than logging in that morning, I hadn’t logged back in.

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/09/2009 – 6:46pm

i take it by your no response that your link is not a really that great to check out, or there isn’t one at all.

Oh and now the Dr Jekyl side peeks out. Or is it his bad attempt at reverse psychology?

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/09/2009 – 9:43pm

still waiting.

still Creeeeeeppppyyyyyy

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/10/2009 – 12:53pm

i am still waiting. i am very persistant. i will not stop until you reply.

Wow. That much is obvious. I still haven’t yet logged in, btw…

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/12/2009 – 10:54pm

still waiting for the link to your blog. you put that in your profile, for what reason, if you are not going to be honest about it. you are very beautiful, and i would love to see you.

We’re back to the complimenting tactic, along with….I don’t know what. I’m not sure what that second sentence is trying to say.

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/12/2009 – 11:03pm

would you at least talk to me.

Would you at least give up?!?! Geesh

From: Lilly 05/15/2009 – 11:05pm

Ok, whoa. I havent even logged in in days! But seeing the deluge of emails from you, some of them not nice /borderline creepy/insulting….no. I won’t give out the link to my site.

And I don’t have the link in my profile because I couldn’t risk people that work where I do somehow being on this site and finding my blog.

Look ….I had to be honest, and hoped that by finally acknowledging him he’d back off.

I think I logged out right after sending this.

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/15/2009 – 11:13pm

thats cool. sorry, i thought you were on cuz it said that you were online. i was just a little frustrated cuz you put that on there and then i thought you were blowing me off by not replying. that was my mistake. but honestly speaking i do think you are a very attractive woman, but i dont understand your decision. thanks for replying though. again sorry.

brad

So he’s apologizing. Again, complimenting. Does he think I’ll change my mind? Does he think that that will erase the creepy-kinda-mean messages? Apparently so.

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/15/2009 – 11:32pm

would you talk through im with me sometime?

Days later, I log back in, frustrated to see he’s not given up. He’s also viewed my profile every. fucking. day.

From: Lilly 05/21/2009 – 12:29pm

As you can see, I’m rarely on here, so no. And what about my decision do you not understand?

From: Bradsgreeneyes 05/21/2009 – 5:11pm

thats cool. who actually wants to see some naked fat chick anyways. a carpet muncher at that. bet ya your man/woman is a looker.

Ohhhhhh so NOW I’m a fat chick, eh? And I bet if he read any of my posts on here about other women he wouldn’t be so disparaging with the lesbian slurs. I didn’t let my full bitch out when replying to the douchebags on that other site, but tonight….I was in a bad mood already, I hadn’t had a good day at work and had had a….disappointing turn of conversation with someone. Instead of getting angry though, I got even.While I hadn’t, obviously, yet posted his messages to me here, I wanted him to think I already had. The threat of “I will” didn’t seem as enjoyable. And again half of his message doesn’t make sense.

From: Lilly 05/21/2009 – 9:16pm

Thanks for playin along, Brad! It’s always a treat when I get the occasional message from the psychonuts who play up the compliments and begging but then when I bruise their ego they overcompensate for their tiny penis by turning nutter and maliciously threatening and/or insulting me. Honestly, it’s proven to be a huge matter of entertainment with my friends, my twitter buds, and my blog readers! I posted your messages to me up on my blog and it was so greatly enjoyed. You see, it’s really transparent when the local guys, such as yourself, start off with right away asking for the link to my blog. And guess what? It’s such an obvious pattern, you’re all the same. Predictable and staid. The guys who would NOT commit date rape are the ones I’ll gladly pass along the link to. Do not. Ever. Contact me again. Buhbye now!

It was at that point that I remembered that Okcupid has a “block” feature which didn’t work with the last dickhead who repeatedly threatened me, like actual “you should go kill yourself”  “i hope you get raped” sort of messages that, ironically, the Okcupid admin wouldn’t do anything about and the block feature wasn’t keeping that guy from messaging me. So, I blocked his ass.

He continued to view my profile. But he was, essentially, gagged and bound.

*waves

If you were intelligent enough to find this, Brad, (I highly fucking doubt it) then hi!!!!!!

Related posts you might enjoy:

~ The Dickhead Files: Fetfail

~ Men’s Primer: How to Fail at Your Craigslist Dating Experience