I’ve used The Womanizer more, and in various ways, since I first spoke about it; I haven’t learned much, honestly. Yet I still named it one of the Best Sex Toys of 2015 because I like it that damn much. I’m gonna just write about it and apologize. I feel like I’ve failed you, readers. I still haven’t figured out what makes me like the Womanizer so much. I still haven’t figured out who will love it and who will hate it. I have discovered what happens when you (as I warned against) use it during your period. I’ve resisted the temptation to crack the fucker open like a lobster^{1. So hey, let’s just get on with The Most Useless Review I’ve Ever Written.}

Update: Useless no more! I’ve now tried out three Womanizer models and 2 Satisfyer models. Comparisons for all models can be found here:

Some Strong Opinions and Theories

There’s really only one question I think I can answer. Someone asked me a few weeks ago if I thought that the Womanizer could be shared/swapped/regifted/whatever to a friend with whom you’re not fluid-bonded. At first I said no. But after using it accidentally while I was spotting (I didn’t realize I was bleeding, or I wouldn’t have used it) I understand where the fluid goes and where it doesn’t. The silicone nozzle head extends fully inside the suction cavity and I think I feel pretty safe in saying if you clean the outside of it well, it’s safe to share. They do give you two silicone nozzles. Maybe they understand that you’d want to share with your bestie?

I was also right about telling you not to use this when you’re bleeding. I was only mildly spotting and it showed me where fluid gets trapped. Right in those goddamn seams I bitched about. I’m going to have to repurpose a toothbrush just for Womanizer cleaning. Until they revamp this design they should include a little crevice cleaning tool.

Some have said that this technology seems to be too similar to those blackhead suckers, that it must be one of those (modified). I’ve never owned one of those but I feel pretty damn confident that they’d have to have a fuck ton more suction than the Womanizer does. In fact….I’m actually not sure there’s ANY suction.  I put this up against my lower lip where I could be certain it has a seal and concentrated on the sensations. It’s like a teeny tiny finger is lightly, quickly tapping on me. When I increase it, the tapping is more intense and faster still. A seal needs to happen to get this action going but I’m not sure it’s actually suction. In fact when I have it on “high” and have it up to my mouth I can feel air coming *out* of it, not being sucked in. The only thing on the Womanizer site^{2 that makes me think “suction” is the little illustration in their video. But they don’t say “suction” on the website, they say “pleasure air technology”.  Let’s imagine we’re in the bathtub. We have the tiniest itsiest weeniest little Barbie-dream-house-sized shower head. Yes, shower head. On jet pulse mode. Tiny, concentrated, under-the-water sensations. Near your clitoris, not directly on. That’s the Womanizer. That, folks, is the best damn comparison I can come up with for you.}

And I’m not really sure there’s any true vibration, either, because I feel nothing on any part of the toy. I can hold my fingers against the silicone nozzle and feel nothing like vibrations. Whatever this little machine is doing it is unlike anything on the market, and I feel like that’s the first time I can really say that and think it’s a good thing.  Given what I’m feeling I’m even more shocked that this thing works for me, and works so well. It truly must be made of magic. Also? I’ve never had to fucking analyze a sex toy like this. Usually I pull out 4-7 others, turn em on, shove them against various parts of my body, compare intensity and buzz vs. rumble and bing bang boom there ya have it. Hell with most vibrators I can tell you within 1 minute of turning it on and holding it in my hand if it’s going to work for me or not.

Orgasm Machine

I still hear a lot of people talking about how it “induces” orgasm for them; how it skips build-up and just wants to go straight for the goodies^{3. This hasn’t happened for me, perhaps because I am less sensitive than them. It takes me longer, about 10 minutes with porn, cold start. Using the Pure Wand with it is even more intense and shaves off a good few minutes. Sometimes it’s quicker still but I don’t mind that it’s not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am because, like the Skittle, I genuinely enjoy the build-up and the ride to the top. My most recent use was me sitting up in my desk chair (how I normally am) which did two things: Allowed me to use the Pure Wand more easily and meant that it took longer. Either I had it pressed very tightly against me and it was too intense, or it wasn’t intense enough at first. I usually use it laying down, and it really seems to build my arousal much more so than vibrators do. But yes, when I do orgasm finally it’s seriously intense. Like….more intense and longer-lasting than an orgasm with the Tango or the Denia.}

Things I Hate

The Barbie-pink color of the case which says Womanizer right on it. It’s a nice case, though. So I can’t hate it too much.

The designs. The colors. The faux-crystal button. It’s so very early-80’s-Madonna, Cyndi Lauper; the excess of accessories, when garish and “too much” was just perfect.

The fact that it’s so easy to turn on (a simple press of the small button) but harder to turn off (you must press and hold the tiny button). The fact that you can only increase, you can’t decrease, unless you want to start all over again at the first “level”.

The overall cheap pieced-together aesthetic. The seams.

THE NAME. I REALLY REALLY HATE THE NAME. I call mine Blanche but I couldn’t very well go through this whole review referring to Blanche. Wouldn’t parse well in the SEO shit, ya follow?

Noises? What Noises?

I seem to remember reading snippets in reviews and write-ups past (and even in the copy on the SheVibe page) about how weird/loud/disconcerting the noise of it is when it’s not in prime position. I literally do not understand. I hear no weird suction-y/schlurp-y noises. I have plenty of vibrators that are much more noisy. It doesn’t sound like a vibrator so on the slight chance someone else would hear it, they wouldn’t understand what it is. At least I don’t think so. I also wouldn’t be alarmed by the noise of it not “in place” during sex.

Womanizer, Woman-Womanizer You’re a Womanizer

This fucker just doesn’t quit. But hey unlike usually, it’s a good thing.

So I’m literally at this very point in writing my review when I muse outloud to someone else “Shit. I don’t think I’ve ever charged it. I’ve been running on the charge it came with this whole time. What if I’ve been using it at half-mast?? What if it’s MORE “intense” than this??” CALAMITY. Also: I’m impressed. I’ve used this 12 times so far, and have had it since the middle of November. I’ve turned it on (often) to ponder about it and shove it against my lower lip and my fingers. And The Womanizer is still not dead.  No worries. I’ve charged it up and it’s no more intense than before. Whew. I actually don’t think I’d want it more intense but hopefully when SheVibe gets the W500 model in January, I’ll get it to compare.

I’m gonna address this one part real quick: The head of it glows red and I have no damn idea why. Red, to me, says “heat!” but nay nay, it doesn’t heat up. That would be fucking awesome if it gently warmed your clitoris, though.

$159 Fucking Dollars?

Alright, the price. I have to address it, again. It’s $189 (discontinued, while the Womanizer W500 is $219). In the video I mentioned $169 but the price since the video has risen and dropped.  For $159 I feel like I should be able to tell you it’s definitely gonna work for you. Or not. And I can’t. I can tell you that I love it; that I’m more shocked that it made me orgasm than I was with the Crave Vesper; that there’s honestly nothing like it on the market. But I can’t say that if your clitoris is sensitive, you’ll hate it. I can maybe say that if you know you need the broad stimulation of large wand vibrations, this won’t do it for you but I’m gonna wait for JoEllen, Queen of the Wands, to chime in on that. I think that if you really like oral sex, this is a fuck ton more likely to replicate it than a goddamn wheel of slapping silicone tongues.

My eternal love to SheVibe for sending me this ugly, awesome sex toy with the horrible name, The Womanizer. I kinda think you should buy it.

Really it’s only because if I crack it open I won’t ever be able to use it again and I like it too much to kill it ↩ Don’t go there. Don’t look at the picture collages they make to represent who each color is “for”. It’s bad ↩ which would explain the name ↩