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Dear Representative Paul Ryan,

It's been awhile since you've faced an opponent one-on-one in a battle of wits, brawn, and beauty; in other words, a national political debate. Your frenemy, one Joseph "Joe" Biden, sparred most recently with a gun-totin' dame from Alaska and did a damned good job—he made it to Number One Observatory Circle, after all.

Lucky for you, fitness guru Tony Horton provides all the answers you'll need for tonight's showdown during his P90X workouts. Allow me to offer some talking points, which are really just quotes from Horton, for the some of the questions that may come up:

Moderator (M): Welcome to Centre College in Danville, Kentucky. We're here with the Democratic nominee, Vice President Joe Biden, and the Republican nominee, Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin.

Your response (YR): Relax your face. Keep your bucket nearby, my friends, because this routine is X City. Turn off the mind or all the junk that's gonna get in your way 'cause it's time to get intense.

M: Congressman, how do you tackle your current job as a House Representative?

YR: Let the weight of your head do the work. Mine weighs six hundred pounds; there's nothing in it.

M: What message do you have for the middle class voters?

YR: Do your best and forget the rest.

M: How would a Romney-Ryan administration deal with a still-sluggish economic recovery?

YR: Start that lawnmower. Oh, I think we're gonna need more oil. Did you pull your choke, dude?

M: Do you have high hopes for the future of this nation?

YR: Oh dude, this going to hurt so much, in such a beautiful way. Don't say, "I can't." Say, "I presently struggle with."

M: Your plan for the federal budget, "The Path to Prosperity" would remove the social safety nets so many families rely on. Are you concerned that the heads of household will be overworked and their productivity stretched too thin?

YR: Do not say you "can't." You can say, "I don't want to." You can say, "I'm not willing to put forth the effort." But do not say you "can't." If you need one, take a break. Look at me, I'm taking a break, what the hell, life is good. I'm the leader; I can do whatever I want. But when you're back, you're back with a vengeance. Got your tickets?

M: What to?

YR: The show.

M: What show, Representative Ryan?

YR: THE GUN SHOW! [cue: flex biceps]

M: What can the government do about childhood obesity plaguing the country?

YR: Hamburger bad; fries bad; Coca Cola bad. There, I said it. Drink your water, people. Don't stop breathing. You stop, you die.

M: What is your stance on gay marriage?

YR: Man-o-Manischewitz. Get the turtlehead out of the shell. I like straight....you should see my closet at home.

M: And your closing statement?

YR: The tip of the day: don't do this every day.

You're welcome, Congressman Ryan. Now that you're fully equipped, I imagine tonight will go as smoothly as can be.

Sincerely,

Eric

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