This year may very well go down as the unsexiest in modern history. While the idea that “we’re all in this together” is a somewhat comforting sentiment, unless you’re quarantining with your Partner In Boning, it’s useless when it comes to actually getting together. But I must give credit to the pandemic for one thing: Its courtship constraints have become a litmus test of sorts. Because after three or four months of bunkering down, especially now that New York has begun reopening, my dating app matches seem to be losing patience as the days grow longer, sunnier, and sweatier.

Initial chats quickly escalate to invitations to get drinks, hang out, and in one case, embark on a scooter romp through the streets of Brooklyn—all within the first five or ten lines, none of which acknowledge anything about what health precautions we’ll be taking. If someone is that negligent with basic health and safety practices, I cannot imagine they are very adept at operating a scooter safely either. More importantly, this omission lays bare that these people don’t give a shit about their own health, and thus are not likely to care about mine.

Normally, you’d have to go on a few dates until you find out someone doesn’t really care about your well-being (or the well-being of other people in general.) But these days? It’s immediately obvious who leads with conscientiousness.

I’m not demanding that any potential suitors be an expert on navigating this stuff—no one is! But asking questions to get on the same page about what someone’s comfortable with and how their lifestyle might make them more susceptible to the risk of exposure are pretty easy places to start. “Have you been practicing social-distancing?” “Are you coming in contact with anyone who’s elderly or immunocompromised?” “Are you an essential or frontline worker?” “How do you feel about going to a bar or restaurant?” All good bases to cover.

As someone with more libido than healthcare coverage at the moment, I’m fortunate enough to not have any chronic health issues. I’m pretty healthy overall, and as far as I can remember, health hasn’t been a huge courtship topic for me in the past. But with COVID, that health discussion is now the requisite small talk that will either put us both on the same page or inspire an untimely unmatch. Casual dating has a misleading reputation of being totally easy and stress-free—even before all this—but that’s under the assumption that all parties are excellent communicators and direct about what they do and do not want. (Which, if you have dated casually, you know is not often the case!) No matter how serious anyone’s dating desires are, we’re all responsible for keeping each other as low-risk as possible to prevent spreading or contracting this potentially fatal virus while we get to know each other, biblically or otherwise.

Talking about health and boundaries in the beginning stages of courtship may seem counterproductive to the sexy vibes you’re no doubt trying to manifest. But since it affects literally everyone, it’s far more inconsiderate not to acknowledge it. Besides, you might find doing so is actually a good gateway to talk about other vulnerabilities, like your deep and abiding fear of Pomeranians or perhaps a traumatic childhood memory about bumper cars. Intimacies such as these are often the expressway to establishing emotional bonds with someone.

It’s been made crystal clear that our own country cares more for the interests of capitalism than the wellbeing of its own citizens, so the behavior of every individual really is the last leg we have to lean on. Let's make asking someone what they're comfortable with the new move. We may not have a ton of control over how our government values our lives, but we do have the individual autonomy to take initiative. And you know what’s always sexy? Taking initiative.

If you’re really stumped on what a first COVID date looks like, you could meet up at an urgent care clinic to get tested together. That nasal swab test is an absolute juggernaut of an ice breaker. Just wear your masks.

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By Sable Yong

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