If you’ve been online at all this month, you may have noticed that everyone is up in arms over the Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion collaboration “WAP” and the accompanying (hot) music video, a gleefully anatomical celebration of being good in bed. It was a whole thing.  

Anyway, while many folks were announcing that they’re scared of a sexually satisfied woman, the rest of the normal world was enjoying the anthem of female arousal. And what better way to achieve a WAP than some good old fashioned cunnilingus?

I recently talked to Dr. Laurie Mintz about the orgasm gap—how in straight cis relationships, men frequently fail to help their partners come (86 percent of lesbian women reported usually or always coming, compared to 65 percent of straight women). Dr. Mintz reiterated over and over again that the key to satisfying a partner with a vagina is direct clitoral stimulation. And one of the best ways to do this? Going down on your partner!

But how do you go down well? What makes for great oral sex? I spoke to Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, about seven things everyone should know about cunnilingus.

1. You need to have a receptive partner.

According to Kerner, that guys aren’t into giving oral sex or that they worry about hygiene or that they get bored isn’t as true as we might think. “I'm not gonna say that there isn't some truth for some men in that, but more often than not, I hear complaints from men who say ‘You know I want nothing more than to go down on my partner, it totally turns me on. Help me get my partner to be more receptive.’” It’s not that women aren’t into cunnilingus—it’s that many women have been inculcated to believe that no one would want to go down on them. 

“When I talk to women about why they're uncomfortable about sex, it usually comes down to issues around genital self esteem," Kerner says, "feeling like their vulvas may look funny, taste funny, smell funny or they’re worried that men don't really do that and you're just doing it as a service.” He suggests in She Comes First that the partner who is going down be sure to actually express how much they enjoy going down on them.

2. Going down isn’t foreplay.

Kerner stressed to me that despite what we’ve been told, oral sex isn’t actually a part of foreplay. You actually have to build to it. He compared going right into oral sex as an opening act to biting someone—it could maybe be hot if you’re already really turned on, but that should almost never be your opening salvo. As Kerner puts it, “It’s really important to get the body and the nervous system sensitized to levels of arousal where that kind of direct stimulation of the clitoris is wanted.” In other words, slow your roll. Make out for a while first, give each other a massage—do things that build up the anticipation before you dive in.

3. You might need a quick anatomy lesson. 

The clitoris isn’t just a button above the vagina. It is, in fact, deep and wishbone shaped. What we call the clitoris is the only external part of the clitoris or the glans clitoris. I don’t tell you this to encourage you memorize anatomical charts, but to let you know that there are a whole lot of nerve endings down there that are getting ignored if you only focus on one tiny spot. Inside the legs of the wishbone are what are called clitoral bulbs, which are kind of like air bags wrapping around the entrance to the vagina; they have erectile tissue in them and are part of getting aroused. 

4. Keep it simple. 

Kerner recommends against 69, face sitting and up against the wall positions in She Comes First. Ideally, you want your partner lying flat on their back, legs spread but not too far apart. “As a rule, her legs should always be closer together than farther apart, as she needs the full command of her pelvic muscles,” writes Kerner. Also, the back arch that we’ve all been taught is “sexy” according to porn and movies is actually not what aroused people do, and can cut off blood flow to the vagina and hamper breathing, both of which are important in getting turned on. Instead, when a woman is actually aroused, “her back will [be] flat...and her genitals will be tilted slightly up.” Basically the opposite of what we’re used to seeing.

5. Be persistent and consistent.

Kerner was very straightforward about this: “The clitoris responds to persistent and consistent stimulation.” Too often, men change tack right before a woman is about to come, making it incredibly difficult for her to actually stay aroused. Unlike men who reach a point of ejaculatory inevitability, Kerner says, “women require persistent, unbroken clitoral stimulation, even as they are in the midst of climaxing, lest the orgasm come to a grinding halt.” In simple words: don’t switch things up! Find a rhythm that works and stick with it.

6. It's about giving head.

As Cardi B says in “WAP,” “Put this pussy right in your face/Swipe your nose like a credit card.” You should be using more than just your tongue. 

Kerner agrees, writing, “You need to get your whole face in there...If a filmmaker were capturing the event, very little would be seen beyond the still back of your head.”

7. Don’t underestimate stillness… but don’t stop.

When you’re the partner going down, sometimes your job is just to provide a point of resistance, or, to put it another way, to be still. “At a certain point during oral sex you really just want to maintain persistent contact; it's not about showing off. It's not about using wild and varied techniques. It's just about being able to be still and maintain contact with requisite levels of pressure.” Kerner points out that a lot of female masturbation involves a prop like a pillow where the woman is the one moving. “Ideally during oral sex the woman should be able to have the same degree of control over pressure, friction and angle. And so sometimes just being still and letting the woman lead, letting a woman press against you is best.”

Of course, as with all sex advice, some parts of this will work better for your partner than others. Talk to each other, ask questions, be curious about your partner’s pleasure. 

Read MoreThe Ego-Free Guide to Making Your Partner Come 

Fight the orgasm gap. 

By Sophia Benoit

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