Tom Segura has been a touring stand-up for nearly 20 years, but with four hour-long Netflix specials and multiple huge podcasts, his tours look a little different today than they did back when he was starting out. There's yogurt and mixed berries for breakfast instead of a hung-over burger, for example. One thing that hasn't changed? It's a grind. The 43-year-old has been on the road almost constantly since August 2021 for his “I'm Coming Everywhere Tour”—a crude innuendo, maybe, or a frank acknowledgement of the fact that the U.S. and Canadian legs of the tour alone will include 250 shows.

This many back-to-back dates is unusual for Segura, but he explains that the grueling schedule is primarily a result of the pandemic-fueled fears that he’d never get to tour again. He’s married to comedian Christina Pazsitzky, who is also regularly touring, and with whom he has two young children. If you’re wondering, yes: Segura readily admits that he bit off way more than he could chew when it comes to his tour schedule.

To keep is health on the rails while on the road, Segura brought his personal trainer and tour photographer, Shaun Nix, along with him for the entire journey. And he is well-known for using bro-y camaraderie to get through other health and fitness challenges from afar. (Last year he completed his fourth sober October with with friends and fellow comedians Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir and Joe Rogan—this time with 100 push-ups and 500 calories of cardio each day.) 

He's gotten to a point where he's working out every day—it's just that the routine depends on what's kind of gear in that's night's hotel gym. Segura spoke to GQ from a tour stop in Oklahoma City about his training schedule, his crazy tour, and why shit-talk  is a requirement for successfully making it through any fitness challenge. 

For Real-Life Diet, GQ talks to athletes, celebrities, and other high performers about their diet, exercise routines, and pursuit of wellness. Keep in mind that what works for them might not necessarily be healthy for you.

GQ: How have things changed food and workout-wise since you first started comedy? 

Tom Segura: It’s been a journey. I've been a comic now for 20 years, and I think I’ve done everything wrong you can do—but I've kind of morphed into doing everything right you can do. You learn that a heavy touring schedule can break you down in many ways, and if you don’t take care of yourself physically, everything else kind of goes with it. 

When I was starting as a club act, I would fly in and stay up in the hotel or the comedy condo until 4 a.m. and wake up at like noon and then eat some bullshit like fries and a burger, and then try to nap and then go to the club and eat like shitty mozzarella sticks or something. You’re in this cycle of doing that, and of course I was gaining weight and I was feeling worse physically and mentally. 

I didn’t really start to prioritize health again until my first son was born at the end of 2015. It took a little while, but I started to tour and I would go do cardio and I would feel better if I did the elliptical or something. What I realized was that between 2017 and 2019, I’d gained like 20 pounds again. I didn’t feel like I was living that mindlessly—I didn’t think I was being reckless —but it was really because I was just not dialing-in on details. So this time when I saw what tour was coming up and how heavy and daunting the whole schedule was, I just needed to get through it physically in a healthy way. 

When did you start bringing a trainer on the road when you’re touring? What does that look like?

There was a trainer I’ve known for a few years and worked with, Shaun Nix, and I was like, “I want you to come with me.” I’m lucky because he’s actually a legit, professional photographer so he’s my photographer on tour, too. It’s great to have someone like him. We’re similar in age, similar in build and I just have this living example of how to do it right. We kind of like the same foods and we like the same types of workouts. Like I got up, I just had yogurt with mixed berries. We also do omelets with tomatoes and mushrooms, and a little bacon with no cheese. We make protein shakes, or we’ll have meal bars sometimes. We’ll basically eat the same things. 

One thing that I’ve realized on this tour —I’m weighing the lowest I’ve weighed in almost 20 years, but it’s not even because I’m like, “Oh, I gotta weigh this much,” it’s literally happening because I’m just living like this. My portions have started to decrease and I’m not hungry, it’s just that I realize how much I was overeating. I must have been overeating just every day. Sometimes now I’ll order a 7-or-8-ounce filet and I won’t finish it and it’s because I’m not hungry. I never listened to that voice in my head before, I’d always be like, “Just devour this whole thing, never stop eating. Eat until you’re in pain,” and I've just never questioned that. 

What kinds of workouts are you doing? 

When we’re on the road, we work out every day. Yesterday we did a boxing workout, he brought mitts and we have gloves on the bus. We lift probably four or five days a week. If we don’t lift we’ll try to do heavier cardio. A lot of things are contingent upon the type of gym we encounter. This hotel right now has some dumbbells, a couple machines and some cardio stuff, so our workout caters to the equipment that exists. 

We were in a place a few weeks ago where they had one of these elaborate gyms that had squat racks and full gym equipment. Whenever we encounter those we incorporate heavier lifting and we do squats, deadlifts, bench presses and inclines, but when we do it with barbells, you realize the difference between lifting with barbells as opposed to just cables and dumbbells. Shaun’s got a lot of experience, so he’s able to really mix it up—I never feel like we’re doing the same old thing, it’s always something different. 

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Do you cook on the bus or are you being really particular about what you’re ordering at restaurants? 

We don’t really cook on the bus. Sometimes we’ll do oatmeal with banana and we’ll put protein powder into that. Or we’ll do protein shakes on the bus—we have a blender. A lot of it is eating out, but we also got Piedmontese steaks, and those really go to the house, but they make these really great beef sticks that are high-quality, so we have a bunch of those. We try to have snacks around that are not just shitty food. We like Perfect Bars too, we have those pretty often. With a lot of the food, we just try to find the best place for dinner and you're just basically on a rotation of chicken, salmon and steak. 

What made you decide to take on this many tour dates? I remember you negging Bert in the past for always being gone, and then all of a sudden you announce the biggest tour ever.  

I signed up for too many tour dates, I will admit that. I think the only way that it happened the way that it did is because of the pandemic. Because when you’re not working at all and you start to go like, “When am I gonna work again?” For a minute it felt scary, like is touring done? 

At the time we were booking out a tour that was a year away, and it just didn’t feel real until it started, but I’ve definitely overdone it. I wish I had not done quite what I signed up for cause it actually has been exhausting and taxing on me and my family. It’s too much. Now I’m coming toward the end of it, but I would never organize a tour like this again. 

I was glad to see you doing Sober October. How did that go? 

I’m not a big party guy so it’s not like eliminating that stuff is a challenge, really. I would have a casual drink maybe after a show or something that I don’t do now, but I enjoy doing it for the month. The fun part for me is that I’m doing it with three other friends. That’s what I would encourage other people to do: Get a group of people together, especially your friends because then there’s the camaraderie and the shit-talking, and that’s the part that really makes it fun. 

The funny thing is, the first time we ever did it, it was completely just for Bert. We were like, “We need to do something for this guy, like he’s out of control and he drinks too much and parties too hard,” and that was the first time. Then this year, that was the motivation again. The rest of us were like, “We gotta try something.” It’s crazy cause he’s literally this anomaly, most people once they get into their 30s and 40s—and he’ll be 50 soon!—they really have to dial back how they party and drink and stuff. We were like, “Oh, we gotta do this again.” So, Bert was really the motivation. 

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Of course we all go, “This is for Bert,” but the benefit goes to all of us. I mean, you have Joe who’s always been in great physical shape, but he even celebrates that it’s making him more disciplined–and he’s already a disciplined, athletic person. Then Ari does no fitness stuff–he’s more into psychedelics and edibles and weed—and he hates that he has to stop for the month. Then me, I’ve been on a bit of a health kick on this tour, so I’ve been working out quite a bit. I bring a trainer on the road. I've been eating pretty healthy, but this makes me take it to another level. The truth is, we all get a great benefit from the month. And we get messages from people every day that are like, “Hey you guys inspired me and I’m doing it too,” and that part’s pretty cool.

Was sober October leading into the taping of your special in November a strategic decision? 

I definitely thought about the fact that I was shooting some time during this tour, and then more recently we found out it’ll be in November. I know I want to feel good about going into shooting and look good. I don’t really have the number where I'm like, “I need to weigh this.” I like to rely more on the way I feel and look. As of yesterday morning, I weighed 209, so I feel like getting that number into the 200 to 205 range is reasonable for the special. 

I had gained so much weight in high school and then when I got to college, I started losing weight. I got in my mind that 225 was the ideal weight–I think I'd seen NFL linebackers that weighed that and I was like, “He looks good.” I wasn't really accounting for his body composition, and when I got to 225 I was like, “This doesn’t look good at all.” I just kept going until I found a weight that worked for me that was significantly less than 225. I don’t know what my end number will be, but I think it will be based more on what I see in the mirror than what I see on the scale. 

Have you chosen shoes, a jacket and a watch for the taping of your special?

Yes, I do have all three. The shoes are Dior, the jacket is a Kiton cashmere jacket and the watch is a Patek 6119G–it’s the Calatrava. 

What are some vices? 

This sounds like a bullshit vice, but I feel like something I’m constantly trying to address is sleep. My vice is that I want to stay up and keep watching stuff. I will not shut down unless I’m told to or I start to listen to that voice that says, “Go to sleep!” I think that’s my biggest health challenge.

I enjoy working out. Once you’re eating healthy and you’re getting rewarded by it you don’t hate it, but sleep isn’t talked about as much and it’s so vital to longevity and recovery and all these things. People think of it as something that happens to them, but you have a role in that. 

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My favorite fucking indulgence and vice for sure is croissants. I love croissants. They’re my absolute favorite treat. 

Just plain croissants? 

Well, all types of croissants. First of all, if you go to just some coffee place and they’re like, “Yeah, we have croissants,” and you realize they're packaged or dry – I don’t like those. I like going to a proper bakery where they spend a day with the dough and the next day’s like proofing the dough and it’s like a three-day process. That, to me, is the most incredible indulgence. I will have plain, chocolate, almond paste, I'll do the savory ones–you know my favorite croissant is actually a cornetti because the Italians call croissants cornettis. There’s this Italian dude in L.A. at this place called Cinque Terra West Osteria and he does that. He takes three days to make a fucking croissant and you eat one and you feel like your life has changed. I would go there and buy them and leave with a pizza box full of croissants. 

I’ve found a couple really good ones in Austin where I live now, but whenever somebody tells me about a place that has amazing croissants this light goes off in my head that I almost can’t ignore. It’s too tempting–it’s my favorite indulgence and the hardest thing to ignore. Bert is tempted by booze I guess, and for me it's sugar and butter. 

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