As a kid, I harbored a special fondness for movies in which the entire plot was children destroying their parents’ new-found love, no doubt a byproduct of my own issues with my stepmother and then-stepfather. When Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan teamed up to drag Meredith’s air mattress into the lake in The Parent Trap? I felt that. I also cheered on the Olsen Twins in It Takes Two as they plotted to avoid an evil stepmother with elaborate schemes like spitting gum in her hair. One of the most watched VHS tapes at my dad’s house was the 1968 classic Yours Mine and Ours, which saw Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda trying to combine two families with eight and ten children respectively, which the children vehemently resist. When I’ve rewatched these as an adult, I find myself sympathizing with the love-struck parents a whole lot more. For one thing, gum is very hard to get out of your hair, but also because dating as a parent seems incredibly difficult in just about every way that something could be difficult.

There are no guidelines for how and when (and if!) you should introduce partners to your children, and even if there were, there’s no guarantee that following those guidelines will work for your family’s particular situation. Dating as a parent means constantly juggling and negotiating multiple peoples’ needs and wants. There are a lot of tough questions with no good answers. Is it easier to date someone else who also has kids—someone who will “get it” when you can’t be spontaneous or flexible with your schedule? Or is it easier to date someone who doesn’t have kids whose schedule is wide open and can more easily work around yours? And of course, there’s always the issue of what to do if your child and partner don’t get along. (Not everyone can just wait until their kids finally accept one of the governesses they’ve hired and then marry her, ahem, Captain Von Trapp). Do you wait it out? Break up immediately?

Here, single parents answered my questions about how they navigate dating.

When do you tell people you have kids? Is it on your dating profile?

“It's on my profile because it's a huge part of my life. I was a little worried about it at first, like is it not safe to include that on my profile, but as a male, it doesn't feel as dangerous as if I were a single mom and talking about my daughter to random single men.” —Adam, 34, Atlanta, GA

“Before the first date, but it’s not in my dating profile because I want to avoid people who are purely seeking out single moms for whatever reason.” Kelly, 32, Charlotte, NC

“It’s on my profile: I have kids already and I’m not having more.” —Andrea, 44, Dallas, TX

“I have ‘part time dad’ in my dating profile. I went through a BUNCH of iterations before settling on that. I asked a number of my women friends this exact question before I put up a profile and actually got a variety of answers. But in the end, I felt like it was kind of deceptive to not include it up front. What if we are having a great first date but my kids are a dealbreaker for them? That’s a disappointment on both sides.” —Brendon, 36, Providence, RI

What makes dating with kids more difficult?

“My experience has been that as a single dad, one of the most difficult issues is my lack of flexibility. A lot of women I've dated seem to value spontaneity and that's just not possible for me. Also, I don't get child support, so there's a strong financial consideration. Like I have to really like a woman in order to be proactive enough to get a sitter and go through that whole thing. So the upshot is, I just don't date as often as I used to because my motivation has to be stronger to even get to that level.” —Adam, 34, Atlanta, GA

“First, there are practical and time management challenges. Second, a lot of people aren’t that interested in a relationship with someone who has kids. Third, I felt that I had to be careful about how [my kids might view] casual dating and wanted to model good behavior for them. I didn’t want them to think that I thought women were disposable because I might not want a second or third date.” —Benson, 49, Toronto, ON

“Things move more slowly. I can’t dive in head over heels with someone, staring directly into their eyes unblinkingly for three months straight while reveling in the feeling of a new love anymore. I am on full-time mom duty every other week and the time away from any potential prospects has given me time to look at things a little more honestly and realistically.” —Annie, 30, Moscow, ID

What are some logistical concerns about dating with kids?

“Time management. It’s difficult being a single mother and getting everything done in my life and doing it well—let alone finding time to regularly make commitments with another person. Also, money. I don’t have a ton of financial resources, so I struggle to pay for sitters and the clothes and getting my hair done regularly.” —Ivy, 38,Charleston, SC

“If a woman I'm dating comes over, it has to be post-bedtime. Also, scheduling trips is hard and that's an important thing for relationships in my opinion. I'm also just fucking tired as shit a lot.” —Adam, 34, Atlanta, GA

“My kids live with me 24/7—there’s no kid-free weekends or anything like that. And since I won’t introduce the kids to my boyfriend yet, he's never been to my home. There’s always a kid there!” —Hannah, 43, Dayton, OH

“Sometimes it was finding/affording a babysitter. Deciding boundaries and sticking to them, especially when your heart is so happy. Reassuring my kid that she’ll always be the priority.” —Susan, 57, Phoenix, AZ

When do you introduce someone to your kids? And what makes you decide that it’s okay to introduce them?

“I’ve generally waited 5-6 months or longer to introduce them to any partners, and some people they never met because I never felt it was someone with long-term potential.” —Jeff, 52, Boston, MA

“This is something I’m wrestling with now. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 months (he also has a daughter). While we’ve discussed meeting each other’s kids, it’s something we’re holding off on until we’re sure this is a stable, serious relationship. I don’t know that there is a right time. I have friends who waited almost a year, and one who only waited 2 weeks. There’s really not a solid guideline. It depends on the kids’ ages, personalities, and [specific] situations.” —Hannah, 43, Dayton, OH

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“I have a rule that I have to have been dating the person for a year. I would consider making exceptions to that rule. For example, if I was dating someone who had kids in the same age group, it would make sense for us and our kids to hang out and it wouldn’t necessarily need to be a ‘Here sweetie, meet the stranger you are now sharing your mother with—hope you love him!’ moment. But I haven’t felt the need to break that rule yet.” —Annie, 30, Moscow, ID

Would you stop dating someone if you kids didn’t like them?

“It would depend on why they didn’t like him. They don’t like his sense of humor? Too bad. They notice he says unkind things to me or doesn’t treat me well? I’m going to listen to their opinions on that. If it’s a reason which points to something deeper I’ll give their opinion some weight. My kids know me better than anyone, and I actually trust their judgment of people’s character.” —Hannah, 43, Dayton, OH

“If they didn't like someone initially, not necessarily. Kids have complicated emotions just like I do, and I think they deserve a chance to work through whatever emotional hang-ups they may have about a situation. If it seems after a while that it isn't working, then yes.” —Adam, 34, Atlanta, GA

“It would definitely be something I would hear my children out about at length. They tend to like everyone, so if they didn’t like someone, there’d probably be a good reason. My first obligation as a parent is to protect my children; I have to at least listen to them to be able to do that.” —Andrea, 44, Dallas, TX

“Not necessarily. The only time it came up, I told my kid that she doesn’t need to like my date right now, but she does need to treat her as she’d like to be treated. It went fine.” —Matthew, 45, Huntington Beach, CA

Does having children make you look for different things in a partner?

“It’s made me look way past physical attraction. Is this person genuinely kind? Are they stable? Heavy drinker? Into drugs? Automatic no. Just out for hookups? Nope. Before meeting my current boyfriend, I would use a dating app and think to myself, ‘Would I want this person to spend any time around my kids?’ If the answer was no, I moved on. I definitely take red flags much more seriously. I also pay attention to how someone talks about their kids—lovingly? As a nuisance?—and their exes.” —Hannah, 43, Dayton, OH

“YES. Stability, how they take care of themselves, how quick they are to anger, how they treat service workers, and whether they smoke or not (instant deal-breaker) all became really important once I became a single, full-time parent.” —Matthew, 45, Huntington Beach, CA

Do you usually date people who have kids or who don’t have kids?

“I’ve mostly dated women with kids, because parents and non-parents have pretty different experiences and that’s a divide that’s hard to bridge. That’s much less of an issue now that my kids are older. But a person’s parenting style is very revealing, and a couple times I was turned off by what felt like tolerance for abusive behavior from their young (6-10 year-old) sons. That was really hard to watch and it made me want to get out of the relationship.” —Jeff, 52, Boston, MA

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“I have never dated someone with kids. I am not opposed to it in theory, but practically it seems like it would just be a scheduling nightmare.” —Brendon, 36, Providence, RI

“I usually gravitate to those who have kids. They have a much better understanding that the kids always come first, schedules can be unpredictable and sometimes pretty restrictive. That seems to be a hard thing for those without children to get past.” —Hannah, 43, Dayton, OH

“I’ve dated both, and while I think you can certainly have a good relationship with someone who hasn’t had kids, dating someone with kids provides a really solid base for frame of reference, and shared experiences. I dated a woman several years my senior, who had three grown kids, and the things she helped me understand about parenting a young lady were invaluable.” —Matthew, 45, Huntington Beach, CA

What is something people might not know or that you wish they knew about dating a single parent?

“This is important: Even when your kid is an asshole, a mom can’t—and shouldn’t—choose the other person. It’s your child and your priority, no matter how much you love that man. If that person is mature they would understand.” —Susan, 57, Phoenix

“We aren’t automatically a charity case or broken because we are a single parent. Many, many people become single parents because it’s the healthiest choice for them and their child. Try not to look at a single parent as somehow deficient, and instead, look at them as someone who is willing to make hard decisions for the good of their family.” —Matthew, 45, Huntington Beach, CA

“Having kids made me a much better dating partner and boyfriend I think.” —Benson, 49, Toronto, ON

“As a widowed parent, I wish more people were sympathetic to the fact that I am literally the only parent these kids have. If there’s an emergency or anything comes up with the kids, I have to be available to them, and they will always come first.” —Hannah, 43, Dayton, OH

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