“Guys are lazy. They use what’s in front of them,” said golden duchess of beautiful things Jennifer Aniston recently about her boyfriend Justin Theroux. “He uses all Living Proof and Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion.” Coincidentally, Jennifer Aniston has lucrative business connections to both of these products. More coincidentally, my boyfriend had also become a recent convert to Living Proof conditioner.

A couple months ago, I somehow swayed this dude from using a no-name shampoo produced by a New England grocery chain to using gentle glop sold in a minimalist matte lavender carafe. He has switched to Living Proof conditioning wash ($26) from a brand called Market Basket (which is, presumably, given away for free). His hair looked better than it ever has. Granted, this leap was tantamount to moving to Perrier from puddle water, but I sent him home with the rest of the bottles. I felt like a proud town sorcerer, as if I had concocted this nourishing brew for him all by myself.

Cascading off of this benevolent spirit, I have prepared for you, a How-To-Guide to finding and using your girlfriend’s fine toiletries.

Start with the shampoo and the conditioner. Doesn’t she have beautiful hair? Oh, probably she has the prettiest hair. Your girlfriend probably has great shampoo and conditioner to go along with it. With advanced hair products, you must give them time to get to know your hair. Use just enough shampoo (about the size of a nickel) to feel that some shampoo has met every strand. That's enough now; it's strictly small talk with the shampoo. The conditioner gets the pillow talk, the real talk, the deep talks. This isn't a time for shyness; use about twice the amount you used for shampoo. Conditioner and your hair should be in the kind of conversation that keeps witnesses from interrupting for several minutes. Now rinse, please.

Additional hair emoluments. Your girlfriend probably also has: a conditioning rinse, a conditioning shampoo, a cleansing conditioner, a serum of sorts and perhaps a few hair creams. Each does a specific and different thing that justifies the collection of these items in the shower, because all serve a different purpose. You will soon learn their ways, and you too will create small pyramids of product on your bath ledges. None of us are immune from this stockpile. N.B. Ask her about dry shampoo! It’s a fun trick.

Consider a body scrub. Despite having “little rocks” in it (false classification, but quoted from one of your kind), it doesn’t hurt at all, but use a gentle touch, a generous quantity, and elongated circular motions. What does a scrub do? Well, it removes dead skin. Gross! Hush, we’ve all got it, man, get over yourself. Anyway, your skin will feel super smooth afterwards, especially if the scrub has an oil-base.

Proceed cautiously with the stuff in tiny bottles, for moral reasons. It’s probably expensive. You know how you’d help yourself to a roommate’s mustard but you wouldn’t finish up their boutique bottle of Scotch? This is a perfect metaphor because this is probably the exact price leap between a tub of generic lotion and a tiny pot of fancy eye serum. So, if it entices you, scythe an imperceptible amount off the top only once or ask for permission. This stuff costs a king’s ransom.

With lotions: another word of warning. Read the bottle selectively, for women’s beauty products contain a fascinating mix of truth and lies. Does the bottle promise you that your wrinkles will disappear or your cellulite will vanish? Remember the laws of the physical world that states matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Does a gleaming bottle promise to anti-age you? It can't! Time remains a forward-moving continuum as we perceive it. Does it say it will rejuvenate you or revive you? Again. No. But does the bottle say that it contains glitter? Does it say it’s scented of a dewy rose? These are not lies, I promise you. We all accidentally use something that has a surprise supply of glitter, but we were all warned.

Final note, don’t try to use the self-tanner. You are not advanced enough for self-tanner. I’m not advanced enough for self-tanner. Stay in your lane.

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