Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Rami, 34, New York City. 

I lost my virginity my junior year of high school with the girl I was dating; she was more experienced and had already lost hers. If I look back, it’s like oh there’s still a lot to be had, but as a 17-year-old I was like I’m with a naked girl; everything is good right now. I reached completion and I had no idea if she had come or anything. It wasn’t a short experience; it was actually pretty long and that was maybe an indicator of me later having trouble coming. It took a while. She was super understanding and cool about everything. It was nice. She was like hey I’ve been through this before, let me kind of walk you through this and let’s just enjoy this as much as we can. At the time I was like, this was a great experience and looking back on it I’m very happy with it. I changed high schools every single year in different states every time, which was, you know, super awesome for a teenager. So we dated until I left for a new school.

I originally went to college to become a sex therapist. And then after about two and a half semesters one of my professors was like you’re gonna need a doctorate if you really want to pursue this and I had already taken out too many student loans, so I stopped. But sexuality has always been something that’s interested me. Because I wasn’t always having a lot of sexual experiences, I think I was often exploring or finding out about things through porn or reading. I read a lot of books and I still do to this day about the dynamics of sexuality, pleasure, the intersections of culture, biology, psychology and sexuality. That’s something I was doing from about 21 onward.

I have sexual anxiety and I think a lot of wanting to learn more about sex was from that. To this day, there are a lot of times when I have sex and I just don’t come. I’d say probably the norm is me not coming. That sometimes has kind of snowballed, and the more I would bring my partners pleasure, the more they’d get worried like, “Well, why am I not bringing you pleasure?” And then I’d try to focus on myself, but as soon as you try to think about coming, obviously you're going to cause the opposite to happen. You’re not focusing on the enjoyment or the interaction with your partner, you’re just trying to get from A to B. So that would lead to me losing my erection and things like that. But ultimately, I think I almost enjoy the not-great experiences intimacy-wise, and some of my partners have too. Like it’s been a good sign of finding a good partner. I started going to therapy about three years ago, and that was one of the things we talked through. Like it’s obviously something to talk through with a partner and if they’re not comfortable talking about it or they don’t want to deal with it, that’s not a good partner for me and it’s ok to walk away. My current partner’s been great about understanding that just because I don't have an orgasm doesn't mean I don't enjoy being intimate. I've learned that an orgasm is the cherry on top.

One thing I very much enjoy is going down on a girl. At times it’s been a deal breaker with girls I’ve dated where they’re like, “Oh I don’t actually like that much,” and for me, then it’s like okay maybe we’re not going to be super sexually compatible in the long term. I’m also very much a fan of toys. I think it allows us to just explore different feelings, different sensations. It could be anything from like bondage to body creams and massages to vibrators to cock rings to blindfolds. Whatever’s best for me and my partner. I'm personally a big fan of lingerie and dress up so anytime my partner is wearing lingerie or dresses up or something I find that extremely erotic.

My first long relationship in my early 20s we got to that level of comfort where it’s like, let’s actually start to explore and experience beyond what might be considered “normal” sexual activity. Let’s be comfortable sharing our desires or let’s actually try experimenting with some of these things. When I was 28, a girl I was dating at the time was significantly more sexually advanced than I was, or at least had no fear as far as a willingness to talk about it. And she was just down to do things and was really upfront about it and assertive and proactive, which was very refreshing. And she liked having sex in public places. Not like, in the middle of the street but on a balcony somewhere or in a bathroom. It was something that terrified me actually the first few times; I was glad she was my partner for that because she worked to encourage and try to keep me focused.

That ex and my current girlfriend are both similar in that they like to be hit. Not like punched or anything like that, but like spanked hard, put against the wall, choked, a hand over their mouths. Things like that to this day I’m still kind of hesitant about, but once I get into it, I’m into it. I mean you grow up your whole life being like, you don’t hit girls. That was somewhat of a hump to get over—and there is obviously a huge lead up discussion to things like that—but once I saw the joy it brought my partner, I was like great, let’s do that. So that's something that I've actually been surprised I have enjoyed, when I can be more aggressive and see the pleasure it brings my partner.

With the ex who really opened up my horizons, we were in her apartment and her AC was out. We’d gone to see one of the last Avengers movies and we got back after the midnight showing and we started having some drinks. We ended up just going at it everywhere in the apartment. Like on the couch, on one of her chairs, on the floor, up on her dresser. The thing that still stands out to me and that makes me very happy about it is that it was one of those moments of pure physical passion. Like obviously we had emotions for each other because we were dating, but it was like I have to have you. You have to have me. We were sweating the whole time and it was just a very hot experience.

About two years ago, I was dating somebody for the first time who had a child. And sex with her was different—well, the sex itself wasn’t necessarily different. But being in a New York apartment and having a child in the other room was. And not like a baby or anything. An eleven year old, so it’s not like they can’t hear you if you make noise. So that was really tricky, but also very fulfilling ultimately. I think it kind of opened up other types of role-play too, of her being a mom.

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One thing I did a couple of times, which was mildly uncomfortable but then fine, was after I broke up with my ex who had a child. I got on an app—I think Tinder—and I wasn’t wanting anything serious. There was a woman in a relationship who wanted to find a partner to have sex with and tape it for her boyfriend. Basically, she and I would have sex and her boyfriend would not be present and we’d just film it. As you might imagine, for me this was somewhat difficult. We’d film me coming on her and then she’d send it to her boyfriend and he got off on it. I did that twice and it was a very interesting experience. I talked with both him and her beforehand because I was like, let's make sure your boyfriend is very cool about this. I don't want somebody showing up on my door one day, like with a bat or whatever. They were actually a very cool and nice couple; we all went out for drinks once. But I found it a little…empty. I was having a good time physically while doing it, but I was missing that deeper level of intimacy. Like, she already has a boyfriend.

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