Is this your first Thanksgiving at your significant other’s parents’ house? Hoo boy. Hoo shit. Okay, this is a tricky situation and I know you’re probably a little bit nervous. Perhaps you’ve been spooked by too many shitty sitcoms and Robert De Niro comedy sequels. Perfectly understandable. But I’m here to tell you that you can still have a nice Thanksgiving, even if you are entering choppy waters as a prospective son-in-law. With a bit of charm, skill, and luck, you will not only escape from that house without having your brain removed and implanted inside Stephen Root’s skull pan, you can even have a halfway decent time! I swear! Who knows, you might even end up like me one day, a 41-year-old dad so assured of his family standing that he barely bothers to wear pants to Thanksgiving dinner. FUN!

Here are the extremely basic rules you should follow if you would like your partner’s parents to have at least mildly warm feelings toward you:

Bring a gift.Check with your significant other to make sure you’re buying the right kind of gift. Know your audience. If you go rogue and show up with a bouquet of flowers, that might look fucking weird, like you wanna bone the mom or something. See if there’s a specific type of wine they like. And on top of that…

Offer to help with cooking/cleaning.Do the parents need an extra side dish? Do they need a pie? You can be the pie guy. You don’t even have to make it! So long as you’ve helped by bringing something that’s low-hassle and complements the rest of the meal, you’ll be in good standing. And offer to help clean—at least twice. They’ll never MAKE you do it, but it’s always good to offer and then hide your relief when they wave you off and do all those fucking dishes themselves. Suckers.

Dress nice.You can probably do better than my old “visit the parents” outfit of pleated cords and some scratchy sweater that immediately caused me hives. You don’t need a suit, just something warm and appealing. And don’t wear a fucking ironic ugly holiday sweater. No need to announce your festive whimsy with a big reindeer splayed across your torso. No one likes a cocky dork.

Only use the phone outside or in the shitter.This is tough because if you’re like me, you retreat INSTANTLY to the security of your phone the second any situation becomes socially awkward (read: all of them). You can’t do this when you’re making a first impression, even if the rest of the house has all their phones whipped out. You can only take it out if someone asks to see a picture or needs you to look up a recipe for green-bean casserole or whatever. Otherwise, you only get to soothe your boredom and angst while pushing out a big one in Mrs. Cherney’s powder room. I bet this is why people take up smoking.

You only get to watch football if it’s already on.Go ahead and hope and pray for a football house right now, because they are the BEST. Not only do you get to enjoy football, but you can also excuse your antisocial behavior if the future father-in-law is ALSO indulging. That’s precious bonding time between you two! Not only that, your main squeeze will be weirdly delighted. As a football fan, I automatically give the benefit of the doubt to any other football fan, and so will Pappy. Please note that if you find asylum in football, do be sure to pop your head once or twice into the kitchen or other room where the non-football crowd is hanging out to remind them that you have social skills.

Now, if the old man likes opera, you’re just gonna have to suck it up and wait till bathroom time to check how your DFS team is doing. Unless YOU also love opera, in which case you are clearly in the right household. Congratulations, opera boy.

Avoid Trump talk like it’s airborne cancer.I’m sure you instinctively know this already BUT…it’s very easy to get drunk and maybe get a little TOO comfy and give in to temptation by gauging the political temperature of the room. Avoid that at all costs. If someone asks you where you stand on Trump and you have not verified that EVERY person in the room has the same opinion on him, you can either deflect like an athlete in a postgame presser or go meta and throw up your hands and be like, “Oh no, Uncle Dave, I’m not going there. I’d rather talk about these AMAZING sweet potatoes!” And then much hearty laughter shall ensue. Maybe you’re accustomed to difficult political conversations with your own blood relatives; but these people are not your blood relatives. Let some other pud ruin the night.

Don’t eat the way you eat at YOUR parents’ house.I dunno about you, but when I go to my mom’s I eat like I’m on death row. For this go-round, start with a modest portion. When the mom demands you have eight more helpings, then you can oblige both her and your disgusting, bottomless appetite. Use a napkin.

Take advantage of being the new guy.Your girlfriend/boyfriend's family members will all be sick to death of one another by the first 30 minutes. Those people are starved for new blood, which means they’re counting on YOU to add a vital splash of color to the proceedings. If you’re polite and you ask everyone about themselves and feign interest in Uncle Milbert’s life story, you’re gonna be a goddamn hero. It’s not that hard. You don’t have to be George Clooney working the room. A little good cheer goes a long way. Ask Grandma about herself and you'll have made her entire year. You might even get a mouthed HE’S SO NICE when you’re out of sight. That’s always the goal. You’re a catch! They have no clue you live like a filthy hog and subsist primarily on microwaved StoveTop during the week. I know that’s how I lived for the bulk of my 20s.

Get away.As the boyfriend, you are the refuge for your girlfriend when she’s gotta deal with her lunatic family. So make sure to slip away with her on a walk, or even volunteer to wash the big pans together after everyone else is comatose. Those are nice moments, you know? There’s nothing like comforting an appreciative girlfriend when she’s just been subjected to five hours of “You’re not getting any younger” and “Let me tell you what kind of agenda THE GAYS have in store if Dems win back Congress” and “Have you two slept together yet?” It’s nice to be there for people, and even better to escape from that house with your reputation still intact.

Drew Magary is a GQ Correspondent.XRelated Stories for GQThanksgivingLife AdviceRelationshipsFoodSex and Relationships