In The Notebook, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams have a fight, and he writes her a letter every day for a year. This summer, a guy I was dating showed up at a bar with another woman, and all I got was a text message the next morning. It seemed sincere, with proper punctuation and everything, but the offending dude didn't know who he was dealing with. I was raised in the school of grand romantic gestures. I saw Say Anything and The Graduate at a very formative age. I love grand gestures so much that I actually get a little giddy when I've been slighted, anticipating the flowers that will follow.

But the flowers never come. Not even carnations.

It's easier than ever to be aloof about dating: The volumes of beautiful people on dating apps have made everyone seem expendable, ghostable. That makes grand gestures, geysers of sincerity that they are, even more refreshing to women. They take planning and earnestness and, often, money—all the things that impress us. All the things that impress anyone.

I do understand the paralysis around romantic displays. When the classic grand gestures of the past are weighed against today's code of conduct, they don't hold up. (Say Anything's Lloyd, blasting Peter Gabriel outside Diane's house after she dumps him, verges on stalkery.) In this woker era, we've learned not to attempt a grand gesture when someone has expressed disinterest in you. But even when you're sure the feelings are mutual, you still have to consider the line between romantic and creepy. On top of that there's the other line, the one between romantic and cheesy. It's stressful, and you might embarrass yourself, but stress and embarrassment are the pillars of rhhhhomance.

If you think promposals and marriage proposals are the only occasions for big flourishes, you're probably single. The best time for a grand gesture is actually a month or two into dating someone. When a relationship is in beta, bae and her friends are poring over your behavior for clues that you're a psychopath. Your tiny fuckups are blown out of proportion—but so are your good deeds. The points you'll earn with a well-timed grand gesture will carry you through years of blunders down the line. If you're not sure how to proceed grandly, consider these guidelines.

It's Her Birthday

DO: Make a reservation at a nice restaurant and call ahead to tell the host it's a birthday. (Don't rely on the oft-ignored “notes” section on OpenTable.) Ask them to bring out a piece of cake with a candle.

DON'T: Commandeer the day by sending her on an epic scavenger hunt leading to the place where you had your first date.

She's Sick

DO: Use iTunes to gift Ferris Bueller's Day Off. All you need is her e-mail.

DON'T: Show up at her house with a Tupperware of chicken-noodle soup, even though she's never told you where she lives.

You Haven't Texted Her Back For Two Weeks

DO: Send the same excuse you were going to text her (“I've just been so busy at work!”) on a card attached to some flowers.

DON'T: Panic-propose.

You Ran Into Her At a Bar While You Were On a Date With Another Woman

DO: Discreetly pick up the tab for her and her friends.

DON'T: Attempt to pass off your date as a “business meeting” (it's midnight on a Friday). Leave the bar with said date. Then wait a day to send a lengthy, self-pitying apology text. Idiot.

I see the double standard in all of this. As a lady, I just get to sit in my ivory one-bedroom being aloof and waiting for men to bring me presents. But it's not just laziness on my part: Women are actively discouraged from making grand gestures (exception: blow jobs). A bold show of interest from a woman is read as “too thirsty” or “too Fatal Attraction.” That's a shame, because women are experts at this stuff. We've been studying them, via rom-coms, since childhood. We're the Van Goghs of grand gestures. (Van Gogh, incidentally, is the Van Gogh of bad grand gestures: Never give your severed ear to a woman.) For you, it's only an opportunity. So hoist your tiny boom box, shout “ELAAAAAAAINE!” or just do whatever Ryan Gosling would do in your situation.

This essay appeared in the October 2017 issue with the title "What Ever Happened to the Romantic Gesture?"

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