In high school, I used to do a walk of shame past my high school boyfriend’s grandmother and her oxygen tank every single time I stayed over. When I asked him why he never stayed at my place—and I asked a lot—he would make an excuse. He had work early, he would say, even though I had school just as early. (He was older, of course.) Or he would say that he felt weird sleeping over, because then my mom would know that we were having sex. That makes no sense, buddy, since I made eye contact with your MeeMaw as I left your bedroom at 7 A.M. yesterday. She certainly didn’t think that I came over earlier that morning for a game of Parcheesi. In the two years that we dated, I think he only came over to my house four times.

Had I not been 18, stupid, and desperate to date someone—anyone—after an adolescence spent being very overweight, I probably would have seen his reluctance to stay at my place for the red flag that it is. It’s a big one. This guy certainly had others: He believed that Obama was born in Kenya, for example. At least in the end he admitted he was wrong on that front. He also wanted to ask for my dad’s permission to marry me, even though I was 19 and I had already told him that I never wanted to get married. It was a bad relationship for a lot of reasons, but the earliest red flag was that he never came to my house. In my 20s, I’ve encountered guys who do this again and again, and they’re almost always guys you don’t want to date.

So what’s the big deal about women’s homes? Nothing. Nothing at all, except that we wash our sheets occasionally and are more likely to own actual bed frames. Other than that, it’s the same as your place, which is precisely the reason you need to come over. It’s exactly as difficult for you to have to wake up early in a foreign place and trek all the way back to your sad bachelor studio to get a fast shower in before work as it is for me to do that. I get that it’s easier to sleep in your own bed. I get it because it’s also much easier for me to sleep in my own bed. We all know the surrealness that comes from waking up in someone else’s house post-sex. It’s similar to being the first to wake up in a friend's house at a childhood sleepover. Should you wake the other person up? Just slip out? And if you’re the last to wake up? Forget it. Nothing is more disorienting and even embarrassing.

So buck up and pack an overnight bag. Or, even better, go to work in the same thing as the day before. Men’s clothes pretty much all look the same. If you’re not willing to spend the night at a woman’s house, you’re saying that you aren’t willing to put in the same amount of effort that you’re asking her to put in. Sex isn’t takeout Thai food—you can’t just order it to your place. Put on real pants and go over to your fuck buddy’s house. Trust me, she’ll appreciate the effort. The bar for men is laughably low.

And don’t stop with casual hookups or sexy sleepovers. I’ve noticed that the day-to-day moments of more serious relationships often play out at guys’ houses. If you and your girlfriend are spending every night on your couch, or in your neighborhood, that’s a problem. That says you want a woman to seamlessly fit into your life without asking you to change your patterns and behaviors. I know you have a bigger TV and you already have Hulu set up. So what? Go to her place and cook dinner. But she has roommates, you say? Get to know them. If you never show up at her house and are always dragging her to yours, they probably are pretty suspicious of you. Nothing is more red-flaggy than someone who doesn’t make an effort to get to know their partner’s friends. So come over, hang out in the common area, and open a bottle of wine. Maybe you’ll see her roommates, maybe you won’t. And if you see them, introduce yourself. Talk to them. It's a basic part of fitting your lives together.

The other side of this coin is also off-putting. The only guys I know who never invite a woman to their place, instead insisting on going to hers, are guys who have a secret, whether it’s another girlfriend who might show up and ruin things or a collection of Madame Alexander dolls he’s personally modified to look exactly like his mom. The only time it’s acceptable to avoid your place is if you have a bedbug infestation and it’s being fumigated. Otherwise it’s sketchy, and you can bet that your partner is checking in with her friends to see if she should be concerned that it’s been four months and she’s never seen your place. (She should be.) I know your house is messy. I lived in a house with seven boys in college; it’s like you don’t have the same rods and cones in your eyes when it comes to shower grime. If you have the money, pay $100 and get a cleaning service to come by and do a deep clean once, so you have a clean slate to start from. Do your dishes. Have a trash can in the bathroom for non-male guests, and maybe even separate towels for drying your hands, rather than your gross bleached shower towel. Am I reaching too far? Perhaps. Just imagine that when you buy hand towels, you’re climbing a mountain in Super Mario Odyssey: The power moon at the top is a woman not running screaming from your apartment.

If this all sounds like too much work, you aren’t ready for a relationship. Trust me, your girlfriend doesn’t want to hang out with your sexist friend Dan for her sake—she’s doing it for you. So make the effort back. The burden of emotional labor often falls to women, and it’s time for you, modern man that you are, to change that. Relationships on every level, from hookup to spouse, require give and take. The best relationships are between two partners who are each trying to be the one to do the most giving. So invest in a second toothbrush, put a deodorant in your laptop bag, and go stay the night.

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